When I first moved home, I spent a lot of time feeling like I was on vacation. I did not feel like I moved home. It felt like summer and I would be going back to California in a few months. It felt like a pause, like my old life was still waiting for me right where I left it. It was not a good or bad feeling, it just was what it was. It did not seem real.
Then yesterday, I received my official withdrawal paper from law school. I took a leave of absence at the suggestion of the school in case I changed my mind and decided to come back. I knew when I left I was not going to come back but then again I never thought I would leave either.
I have finally let go of the person I thought I was supposed to be. Because I did it. I was the person I thought I was supposed to be. I moved across the country and I went to law school. I think it all seems so surreal and far away sometimes because it was never right to begin with. It was never going to last. I am extremely grateful for my time in California, what it brought me, and the people I met but going away was always going to lead me back home.
I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the panic to set in that I have made a mistake. I am not sure why I am waiting for that to happen because I know it never will. When we make choices based on the voice inside of us, our inner wisdom, we are doing the next right thing for ourselves. Following our inner voice does not lead to regret.
I have learned that the feeling I felt when I first got home was peace. It was not denial or regret, but peace. I let go of a false sense of control and let the pieces of my life fall exactly as they were supposed to. I surrendered to the person I actually I am and not the person I thought I was supposed to be.
Choosing who we are over who we think we are supposed to be is choosing love over fear. It is not easy and it is scary but it is freedom.