Where I am now

I haven’t been writing much. I have spent most of the past week sick. I have left my house twice in the past three days. It would have made for a perfect time to write a whole bunch but most of the time my head felt like it was 50 pounds. I still am not 100% myself but here I am. I showed up anyways.

Lately I feel like I have been healing so many things over that I feel I don’t have many positive things to talk about. Sometimes it is hard to write about things that have already healed when there are wounds calling for my attention. I know why I cannot write from experiences that just happened to me. If I place something I experienced out into the world and I have not fully healed from that experience, meaning I have not made sense of what it means to me, I am risking getting hurt. I am risking someone offering their opinion and their opinion could hurt me because I have not made peace with the situation. It makes sense.

I study my life and my experiences because it helps me heal. I can pinpoint, or so I believe, where I am on my healing journey. I am about a year and a half behind, meaning I have yet to make sense of the past year and a half of my life. I don’t give myself enough credit. I have made sense of most of it but I do not believe I have made peace with any of it. And there is nothing like people moving on to show you how much you haven’t. I feel like so much has changed but sometimes it feels like nothing has changed at all.

Where am I going with this? I do not know. I do know I will get there, I will heal. I know once we look outside of ourselves and start comparing ourselves to others we lose sight of how far we have come. I know l am exactly where I need to be in life and exactly where I need to be on my healing journey. I know I have two choices in every situation, to choose love or choose fear. I know choose love as much as possible. Love always beats out fear, every damn time.

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