Whole People, Whole Love

I wrote this months ago but this is where I am at today.

“Love is not a simple word to define. It is not a simple feeling to define. But yet everyone seems to have it. I mean doesn’t it feel like everyone is in a relationship? If you spend any time on social media, everyone you know is getting engaged. Why does it seem so easy for most people? I know social media is not an accurate reflection of a relationship or of peoples’ lives and even still people manage to find other people. People manage to find other people that they choose to spend the rest of their life with. I do not understand how it works. How do people make it work?

Each and every human is born whole – mind, body, and spirit. But it is unusual for most people to be whole because of the world we live in. Girls are taught not to want, to desire, or hunger. Boys are taught, to be brave, not to feel, and not to cry. These lessons are taught to us as children and reoccur in messages from society throughout our lives. These lessons are the reasons why women have bodies issues or refuse to stand up for what they want. These issues are why men refused to show feelings or let themselves be vulnerable. So, how do people love each other? How do we love each other if we are not whole? How do we love each other if we are in so much pain and the only thing that takes the pain away is you doing the work of feeling your pain? Am I missing something? Are people just accepting each other? Is that working?

If we all hear the messages, how are we whole? If girls are being told they have to be skinny to be loved, how are they whole in they are disconnected from their body? If boys are being told they cannot feel to be loved, how are they whole if they are disconnected from their mind? We all need to be whole because it is the only way we will ever be able to really see each other. When we really see each other, we can really love each other. Loving someone means seeing all of them and accepting them as they are.

I want my partner to be whole. Not because it benefits me, but because I want to be able to really see him so I can really love him. But at the same time if we wait to find someone who is whole to start a relationship, we are going to be waiting a long time. We have to trust our feelings and we have to trust our partners to show up. All we can do is show up and hope the other people in our lives do the same.”

Since writing this, I read the chapter “The Magic of Wanting To Be” in Cheryl Strayed’s Tiny Beautiful Things. Here is part of it. “We have to be whole people to find whole love, even if we have to make it up for a while. Bring your needy self when you go on that next date with a potential lover, but bring all your other selves too. Bring the man you aspire to be, the one who already has the love he longs for. Play every piece of yourself and play it with all you’ve got until you’re not playing anymore.” 

Just keep showing up, even if you have to make up being whole for a while. Just keep showing up and one day you will be whole.

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