I miss San Diego and not because I miss San Diego. I miss it the way you miss something that changes you dramatically for the better. I miss it because I hold the mistaken belief that life was better there. But all it takes is writing those words is remind me that my life wasn’t better there.
Life there was different. Life there was purposeful. Life here feels like me scrambling to uncover my purpose like it is some big secret. I am caught in the space between missing what was not right for me and figuring out what is right for me. This space is very confusing and overwhelming. Then I look up and see all the things that make this time just as good as San Diego. I see my yoga props and teacher training books next to me, I see the book I am reading across from me, I see all the books by people who inspire me on my shelf, I see my journal and my planner. All good things I see and all good things I have.
The best part of San Diego was never San Diego itself but the journey. The journey to get there to realize it wasn’t right and then come back. The best part of San Diego was waking up every morning to write in order to create peace and purpose in a time that was just as overwhelming as the time I am in right now. So, if both then and now are equally overwhelming, what is the difference? There is no difference. It is simply a different location. It is a continuation of the same overwhelming time in my life. Because I know this I try not to miss San Diego too much. The second I start to miss it I know I am forgetting what I have here. I have the same things here as I did there. I know what I miss is the feeling of knowing what I am doing. But I look back on my last couple months there and remember I had no idea what I was doing then. All I was doing was the next right thing and making sure I was okay. All I was doing was creating peace each day by using my purpose.
Peace plus purpose equals joy. Peace and joy aren’t things we sit and wait around for, they are things we create. Peace and joy exist here because I have the ability to create them and I do every day, if I didn’t I wouldn’t be writing right now. As for purpose, I have that, what I don’t have is a job. A job and purpose are not the same thing. A career and purpose are also not the same thing. I have purpose and I find it daily in all the things that give me peace; yoga, reading, writing, the beach. Because I have purpose and peace, I have joy and that is all I need.
The job will come because at the end of the day I am still me. I am a harder worker a whatever the task is in front of me. I am working hard to figure out what comes next in terms of a job. I know I am getting closer because I am getting scared. We only feel fear when we are getting closer to the truth. I know the truth is near and I am scared. But I know better than to run from it. I know I have to sit with it and look it dead in the eye because everything I want is on the other side of fear.
Peace plus purpose equals joy. Joy is the cousin of love and I will always choose love over fear.