I hoped…

I made the decision to move from California back home to New York a little less than 3 months ago. Two weeks before I made that decision, I started writing. Over this period of time I wrote every day. I thought the story I was writing was about the process of me moving home and what I learned by making that decision. It wasn’t. I also thought deciding to move home was hard, then I thought the actual moving part was hard. I kept thinking it would get better once I moved home. Once I moved home, then it would be better. It had to be better because moving home was what I wanted. I could not have been more wrong.

I have learned all the things we do in our lives are hard. Not because we are doing it wrong and not because we are being punished, because life was designed that way. Life is designed to be hard. My life didn’t get better when I moved home and it will never “get better,” at least not in the way I hoped. I hoped life would be easier, life would be less work, life would be less confusing. I hoped I would be the best version of myself all the time and all the days. I hoped, I hoped, I hoped.

Then one day I realized, I don’t believe in hoping. Hope is passive. Hope requires you to believe something good will happen to you without you doing anything to receive that good thing in the first place. Hoping for things make it seems like what you want is someone else’s problem, like someone else is going to gift you the thing you are hoping for. That is not true, even if you believe in God, that is not true.

God and the universe will only meet us half way. So, when we hope for things we never take action on, we will never get them. The things we hope for will always be far off and a distant desire because we are not taking any action to make them come true. But, if we take steps towards the things we hoped for God, or the universe or whatever you believe in, sweeps in to take care of the rest.

I hoped my life would be better here at home, I hoped I would be the best version of myself. But I have taken actions completely against these hopes. I have been eating like crap, treating myself like crap by being hard on myself, allowing myself to panic over minor things, etc. If this is how I act, how I am going to get what I hoped for? I am not. We cannot have the things we want by acting in ways that make it seem like we don’t want them at all.

I don’t have it quite figured out yet. I am not sure how to take actions on these hopes because of the situation I am in right now. I am an unemployed, law school dropout, living at home, who has no idea what she wants to do with her life. But yet I want to the best version of myself all the time?

When I was in California, I hoped my life would be better here, at home. When I got here, I promised myself I would make my life here at home better. I tried and I am trying. But my weakness is that I get really, really confused listening to everyone else. I sat down to write today thinking I failed to stay true to myself. I thought I wasn’t doing a good enough job of being the best version of myself. Then I thought about all the reasons why I believed it to be true, “I am an unemployed, law school dropout, living at home, who has no idea what she wants to do with her life.” I may have written those words but they are not mine. I do not feel that way about myself. Those are other people’s fears about what my life looks like to them, what my life could turn out to be, how this is a bad thing, how I need to do better, etc. It never ends.

People and society will always have an opinion about your life because it easier to criticize, judge, guide, help etc., other people than it is to take a good hard look at our own lives. Someone is always going to want you to be a better version of you and society is always going to demand more from you. But only you know what you do and do not have to offer the world. It is easy for anyone to get lost in who other people tell us we are or what our lives should look like. However, the only person’s opinion that we need to take to heart is our own. It is only how you feel about yourself that matters.

I am not bothered by my current situation because I know I will figure it out. What does bother me more is how much I let other’s fears and ideas cloud my vision of what I know to be true about myself. I know I had to move home, I know I had to leave law school, I know I have to figure this out, I know I am doing the right thing. I know, I know, I know. I am only human, so I have my own fears but I do not let fear run my life and I definitely do not let other people’s fear run my life. I let the truth run my life and I let love run my life. In all situations, I try to choose love over fear because love always wins.

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